Yes, I'm really this messed up. (Ugly Truths)

I've always been a little strange. Before I ever had a  boyfriend, I used to write about love. I wrote about my crushes and about how I imagined it would feel to care about somebody so much. Once i was in a relationship though, soon after the start, my focus changed. I started to write about losing love. Now, keep in mind this was years before I actually broke up with the person I was with.

I think that even when things are going well, there's a part of me that ruminates on the other side. Regards it with almost a morbid curiosity. It's just something I was thinking about today. I mentioned in an earlier post that I'm still getting a lot of stuff about myself figured out. and I'm kinda slow at it. Some people would say, at twenty six, I should have it all figured out by now. But I don't. Problem is, the guy I've been hanging out with these days definitely does. And the more attached and infatuated he acts towards me, the bigger the sense of dread in my stomach grows.

Part of it is just the leftover of being in a relationship that got really obsessive at the end. It makes me flighty, which is a horrible thing to be. But the other part of it is my inability to turn the rational part of my brain off. My brain KNOWS this isn't going to work out in the long run for..god, so many reasons. And as long as I concentrate on the right now, I can keep that part of my mind from interfering. (Mostly.) Any hint of going beyond the moment though and it suddenly kicks in, like an early warning system to some great forest fire.

This won't turn out well. Our lives are not in the least compatible. And I'll be the bitch that breaks his heart. Again. And maybe I should just take that risk but I've got FRIENDS now. It has been a long time since I met people that I felt like I connected with and could open up to. I'm not so stupid as to not know which way it would go if something crappy happened. and I wouldn't really want to get in the way anyway. So I tell myself I should end this before it gets REALLY bad. But then I never do.