perhaps hopelessly naive...

I was on youtube earlier this morning watching a random trailer for a random movie when something about it just made me ache. Usually I'm a practical sort of person; I tend to see many things in prosaic terms and I do my best to be logical...but I kinda want love.

Don't get me wrong, I've been in a few relationships before and they were great. They were fun. But they weren't...right. There's this tiny stupid part of me that still believes love is like the books and the movies, that you find someone and you find you can't live without them. Maybe it's the indian in me but something or the other won't let me settle and settle down and...I just don't know.

Is it stupid to WANT to have that knock-down-take-over kind of love?

At the same time, I'm not even sure I BELIEVE in that kind of love. It's just that, lately, I'm seeing way too many relationships fall apart, way too many people wanting someone just to have someone and I just don't know anymore. It doesn't help that I and some of the other people I know are starting to get just the tiny bit pressured here by our well-meaning family and family friends.

The thing is, part of me knows love doesn't work like that. The part of me that's western and logical and...cynical knows that love doesn't work like that. That you don't find this one person that's perfect, that you just find the best you can and hope for the best. There's this other part of me, though, that still has a great amount of faith in the world. It believes things happen as they're meant to happen. It believes that people really can have that all-consuming sort of affection, that surety that this is the person they will love and can never love another.

Or maybe I just wish. I wish for someone who'll make me stop being so damn logical. I wish for something that will endure. I wish for something that will blow through all my reservations. I wish for something to believe in.

How does one become brave?

My headphones broke today. If they hadn't broken, I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing to a blog no one reads about things no one cares about. This simple fact of broken headphones has, however, sent me spiraling into a philosophical brood and a slightly bad mood besides.

There's this boy I know. Honestly I think he's the bravest person in the world. There was something he thought there should be and now there is and it's all his doing. I seriously think this is the most amazing thing thing in the world. Right now I seriously think he's the most amazing person in the world.

He wouldn't understand though. People who are...brave, who are smart, who are witty, who are whatever...they are never able to value this trait the way it deserves. It is only those who lack that trait who know the worth of it. Bravery is the most precious of gold to a coward and I am a coward.

Oh, I'm afraid of many things. It's the small ones that hurt the most though. Being afraid of putting oneself forward, being afraid of following dreams, being afraid of failing...being afraid of living.

I suppose I'm just in a maudlin mood right now. It'll pass and I'll regain my equilibrium.Once again I'll be optimistic and chill and the person people think never gets overwhelmed or overemotional.

But for now I'll yearn.Yearn that someday something will come and take over my fear. Someday I'll be brave.