...on silence...

She's very good at communicating  She starts to talk and she never stops. Waterfalls cascade from her of information and emotion and I run beside her in one spot to keep up like Alice and the Red queen. I feel like I know everything about her by the end of it and I still want to know more..

But she doesn't always listen. I could wish she listened harder, so she would hear what I was saying, hear what I wasn't saying. But these are the things one requires silence for. Silence is a commodity it is hard to put a price on. It is undervalued and yet is invaluable. For out of silence, out of the small delicate desolate places, comes inspiration and honesty and pain and longing and love.

I hate to be interrupted. It's not that I lose my train of thought. It's that I invariably stop talking when someone else starts and whatever I had to say goes unexpressed. If there was something I had to tell you and you never found out, it's probably because you were trying so hard to talk you forgot to listen to what I was trying to say. And my mind works in roundabout ways. It travels in ellipses. Sometimes it takes me a little while to get there and it requires patience and silence and understanding. I fear to put my thoughts out there for I fear they will be rejected and sometimes that makes me blunt my meaning. Sometimes people take what I say the wrong way. Sometimes I mean them to.

People have all these ideas built in their heads. All these shortcuts. As long as they follow these paths, they don't have to look at experiences that might be new, don't have to take in thoughts that might be different. And we all do it, all the time. We choose to believe that a person is a certain way, because we're that way, because it makes it easier if we just simplify and generalize. And when people tell us we're wrong, we choose to disbelieve them, thinking we know them better than they know themselves. Naivety. Arrogance. Bravado. Simplification. Yet we all do it.

Maybe, if we just listened a little more, we could understand. If we weren't afraid of the silence. if we weren't always looking for a way to fill the empty spaces. If we weren't so scared that no one would hear us that we refused to take the time to hear others.

I don't know why silence disturbs us so much as a species. I just wish we'd get over it.

I'm a little worried.

I'm really new to this whole poly thing. I expected to have some problems with it eventually. I expected I might get jealous or insecure. I expected that I might say or do something really awkward and hurtful and mess things up. I worried that I might not get along with the other girl or that I might end up comparing our relationships too much. None of the things I worried about have happened.

Instead, it's the other girl that seems to be having the issues. And this just...seems wrong. It's wrong that she's the insecure one, that she's so worried about possibly messing things up. It's wrong that she's getting left out. And I really just want to fix it but am not sure how. It's easy enough to say, oh you should do this and that, but I know that things don't work that way.

I tried to make things better today and I'm scared I made them worse instead. I tried to reassure her that she was cared for and it was just a conflict of styles that had brought her to the point of feeling left out. Now I'm worried because I think the guy took what I said to her badly for some reason.

I'm just...I'm not used to NOT fixing things. And I don't understand how I can feel like my own relationship is going so well and hers seems to be so on the rocks. How can we be dealing with the same guy and be getting such different results? This is one of the days I wish someone really was reading this blog. I could use someone to talk to. Or just to know someone is out there.

(NSFW) Having one of those nights...

...when I don't like sex.

Now, I'm a little hard to understand sometimes. Sometimes I don't even understand myself. how is it I can be so gung ho about sex one day and then be wondering if I'm asexual a few days later. I can only blame it on the weirdest most annoying hormones ever, I suppose.

And the fact that I don't like sex. Or to be more clear, I don't really like penetrative sex. Now I'm going to rule out a few things here. It's not because I think it's icky or something. It's not because I have some religious or moral issue with it. It's not... a million reasons. It's maybe because I find it, just the tiniest bit, mechanical.

I love being touched. I love touching and exploring. And I take a lot of pleasure in the pleasure of my partners. But there comes the point where all of this just isn't enough. This point being when the thrusting starts. And it just gets repetitive and mechanical and BORING! And I know I'm not supposed to feel this way but I just do. And it's very hard to make other people understand this fact about me.

Now, to turn this conversation from the theoretical to the practical...I mentioned in my last post I'm starting up with a new relationship. It is awesome and connected and stimulating...and I absolutely love and adore it but tonight it fills me with a strange sort of terror. Because, dear readers, it has been a while. It has been a while since I made these observations firsthand and it has been a while since I allowed myself to get to the point where I might make these observations. Oh, there was a time or two where it got pretty close last year but something held me back.

Which means there's actually two separate things I'm afraid of. One of them is what I've been talking about earlier and the other is...the sex itself. Which I really shouldn't be as it makes no sense. But we'll not touch that pond full of frogs. So back to the first point.

Pretty much everything this guy has done, I've loved. Oh there have been one or two niggling things I haven't been crazy about but they can either be ignored or communicated and fixed. But, by and large, I am hugely emotionally and physically connected here. Which is why I think it might actually be okay. Which is why I'm hoping with all my heart it'll be okay. Which is why I'm terrified that it won't be okay.

Which is why, I finally admit to myself, I'm being juvenile and procrastinating about getting tested. Because as long as I put it off, things are still safe. I don't have to face this huge uncertainty within me. Because having this turn out bad would break my heart.