(NSFW) Having one of those nights...

...when I don't like sex.

Now, I'm a little hard to understand sometimes. Sometimes I don't even understand myself. how is it I can be so gung ho about sex one day and then be wondering if I'm asexual a few days later. I can only blame it on the weirdest most annoying hormones ever, I suppose.

And the fact that I don't like sex. Or to be more clear, I don't really like penetrative sex. Now I'm going to rule out a few things here. It's not because I think it's icky or something. It's not because I have some religious or moral issue with it. It's not... a million reasons. It's maybe because I find it, just the tiniest bit, mechanical.

I love being touched. I love touching and exploring. And I take a lot of pleasure in the pleasure of my partners. But there comes the point where all of this just isn't enough. This point being when the thrusting starts. And it just gets repetitive and mechanical and BORING! And I know I'm not supposed to feel this way but I just do. And it's very hard to make other people understand this fact about me.

Now, to turn this conversation from the theoretical to the practical...I mentioned in my last post I'm starting up with a new relationship. It is awesome and connected and stimulating...and I absolutely love and adore it but tonight it fills me with a strange sort of terror. Because, dear readers, it has been a while. It has been a while since I made these observations firsthand and it has been a while since I allowed myself to get to the point where I might make these observations. Oh, there was a time or two where it got pretty close last year but something held me back.

Which means there's actually two separate things I'm afraid of. One of them is what I've been talking about earlier and the other is...the sex itself. Which I really shouldn't be as it makes no sense. But we'll not touch that pond full of frogs. So back to the first point.

Pretty much everything this guy has done, I've loved. Oh there have been one or two niggling things I haven't been crazy about but they can either be ignored or communicated and fixed. But, by and large, I am hugely emotionally and physically connected here. Which is why I think it might actually be okay. Which is why I'm hoping with all my heart it'll be okay. Which is why I'm terrified that it won't be okay.

Which is why, I finally admit to myself, I'm being juvenile and procrastinating about getting tested. Because as long as I put it off, things are still safe. I don't have to face this huge uncertainty within me. Because having this turn out bad would break my heart.