I'm not doing too well tonight. Sometimes things that probably mean nothing and shouldn't bother you at all seem to mean everything and become the things that keep you awake at night. and, honestly, right now, I hate. I hate that my boyfriend is sleeping in the next room while I write this. I hate that sometimes I hear his compliments about how I'm pretty and sweet and kind and I wish they were different ones. I hate that they make me want to be a different person sometimes, someone who is beautiful and vivacious and MEMORABLE. I hate that he can't tell how much it bugs me sometimes when people don't remember me, when they don't know my name. I hate how he's all the things I love about myself except AMPLIFIED. Better. He's the things I want to be. And sometimes I just feel...inadequate. Like I'm trying to be something I'm not, something I could never be. It's like having the ideal you dangled in front of your face and then, when you try to reach for it, snatched away. No, you can never be this person. But you can date him. and it's a strange kind of torture.
It's weird, we got together because we had so much to talk about, so much in common. But sometimes, these days, I don't feel like we talk at all when we're together. We coexist. We go from internet to tv show to work to event but we don't really...talk. Sometimes I feel closer to my boyfriend when I DON'T see him, when we're just communicating over the phone because he tells me his problems and his triumphs and what's going on with the people we know. And when I'm with him, we talk more when other people are around than when we're alone.
I honestly don't know what Im doing here. And tonight I'm just scared. Not scared that I'll lose him....scared that I'll let us stagnate and we'll just be...stuck. I can do stuck for a long time and I suspect he can too. But I don't want to be stuck, I want to be alive. I don't want to be comforting, I want to be exciting. And right now I don't care how high-school and juvenile that is. I love being his sanctuary, the person he comes to when he needs to relax, to hide from the world...it's not selfish to want more, is it? To want more and diametrically opposite things. To be engaged with. To be desired. To be craved. And not just because I'm so relaxing.
I'm sitting here as my boyfriend sleeps snd I'm wondering, am I just so subtle and hard to figure out? are we just so bad at synching our signals? Yesterday, he was really into me and I just wasn't feeling it...I did my best anyway. Tonight, I really need some strong emotion from him and I thought I was throwing out signals plenty but instead he's asleep and I'm wondering what went wrong.
I have so many thoughts tonight and I hate every one of them The thing I hate the most right now? That my boyfriend doesn't read this blog.
