Okay, so the amount of writing I have done today is not massive. I got my first scene of the month done at about one thirty in the morning and I feel like that first step is always the ardest. It was a tiny fragment of a scene, mostly scenery itself, but at least it was something.
I did an actual scene around 3PM, a little bit of plot and some mystery to work out. I'm super behind right now already but I'm hoping I'll be able to make that up as things continue.
I also downloaded Scrivener and I've been going through the SUPER LONG tutorial. i've never used the program before but a lot of people swear by it so I thought I'd try it out. I'm kinda writing my scenes in no order so maybe this will give me the ability to slot them into some semblance. Maybe I'll make folders for each power rangers episode the story spans, or something. Which reminds me, I think i'm going to have to rewatch some of these episodes.
Right now, I'm not really at the top of my motivation. I meant to eat something about an hour ago but then my boyfriend called and I got distracted. I probably need some food. Tomorrow evening and the evening after are going to be busy so I should probably try to make sure I spend some time writing during the early morning and day.
I should probably also mention that I a am making my way through a bunch of Mark Reads videos. They're a good way to refresh my mind without it being something so consuming it saps my attention for other things...I hope. I mean, I DID only get two scenes done today. ah well, once I build a framework in scrivener for my story, it should hopefully get easier to move around.
Word count Today: 663
Word Count total: 663
Monday, 2 November 2015
Sunday, 1 November 2015
NaNoWriMo2015 Day 1: It's a new year of nano.
Here we are in 2015 and who knows how November will go. I'm not off to the best start yet, I will admit.I am writing this post with only ten minutes left to the first and I haven't started my nano yet. The earlier part of the day was spent in all the little stresses that happen when someone leaves on a big trip, such as my parents are for a few weeks. And after they left, I just felt this huge wash of lethargy come over me. As much as I love my parents, it's important to be alone every once in a while and I reveled in the feeling of being alone without any interruptions to anticipate. I watched some videos, made some food, read some stuff, basically did all that cantering self-care stuff. I felt a pang of guilt because I really should be writing but this was important too. I feel much better now than I have for months, with all the stress of running the volunteers for VCON in September and then stressing over grants and details for the West Coast Fan society in October, as well as elections. I can feel like I can breathe right now.
So, onto my plans for this month. Before October hit, I had pretty much decided to do a fic about the origins of the song "The Hanging Tree" from the Hunger Games series. The idea wouldn't let me alone and I'd promised myself that this October I would be a planner and write outlines and stuff. That didn't happen and I thought I'd get nothing done this year but a plot from a few years ago drifted into my mind and started gaining prominence. So now I'm pantsing it and hoping to write both a power rangers fic and a hunger games fc, whatever comes. Hedging my bets, I suppose.
Another thing I've decided to do is use the Plant Nanny app to motivate me to write. It was doing well as a water motivator before I hit a bad few days. Perhaps it will do better as a writing motivator. I was thinking every 200 words I'd give it a glass of water. Now I'm considering making it every 250. Either way. It has gotten no water on the first day and is probably not doing too well.
Anyway, more on life later.
Word Count Today: 0
Word Count Total: 0
So, onto my plans for this month. Before October hit, I had pretty much decided to do a fic about the origins of the song "The Hanging Tree" from the Hunger Games series. The idea wouldn't let me alone and I'd promised myself that this October I would be a planner and write outlines and stuff. That didn't happen and I thought I'd get nothing done this year but a plot from a few years ago drifted into my mind and started gaining prominence. So now I'm pantsing it and hoping to write both a power rangers fic and a hunger games fc, whatever comes. Hedging my bets, I suppose.
Another thing I've decided to do is use the Plant Nanny app to motivate me to write. It was doing well as a water motivator before I hit a bad few days. Perhaps it will do better as a writing motivator. I was thinking every 200 words I'd give it a glass of water. Now I'm considering making it every 250. Either way. It has gotten no water on the first day and is probably not doing too well.
Anyway, more on life later.
Word Count Today: 0
Word Count Total: 0
Friday, 9 January 2015
Hurt...
I only seem to write in here when things are bad. This isn't what I wanted for this blog, when I made it at the start of some year and made the resolution I would write more. I wanted to write good things and interesting things and I feel like somewhere along the line, I've lost sight of that. Not only in this blog but also in myself.
Was I happier before? Before I started caring about someone and opening myself up. I feel like I was but I'm not sure if I ubdestand the difference between happiness and indifference right now. I was calmer. I had nothing to be disappointed about other than myself. I wasn't a part of this huge crapload of disaster that was the community.
The problem with having a boyfriend who is involved in things is, sometimes you realize you're at the bottom of the barrel in a long list of things and people who are more important than you.
I'm going to end up telling him that is alright. It won't be because it's alright. It will be because I'm weak. It will be because I need him to hold me and tell me things will get better. Because I'll deceive myself. I fucking hate being weak.
And I'm losing people. It took me a year and a half to get to the point where I felt like I could put myself out there with some of these people and feel safe. And it's all falling apart. And it's unfair. And I don't want to hurt.
I want the person I love to take me dancing. I want him to look at me and make my heart skip a beat. I want to take his phone and crush it. And I want to take every one of those people in the community and hurt them. Because they mean more to him than I do.
Was I happier before? Before I started caring about someone and opening myself up. I feel like I was but I'm not sure if I ubdestand the difference between happiness and indifference right now. I was calmer. I had nothing to be disappointed about other than myself. I wasn't a part of this huge crapload of disaster that was the community.
The problem with having a boyfriend who is involved in things is, sometimes you realize you're at the bottom of the barrel in a long list of things and people who are more important than you.
I'm going to end up telling him that is alright. It won't be because it's alright. It will be because I'm weak. It will be because I need him to hold me and tell me things will get better. Because I'll deceive myself. I fucking hate being weak.
And I'm losing people. It took me a year and a half to get to the point where I felt like I could put myself out there with some of these people and feel safe. And it's all falling apart. And it's unfair. And I don't want to hurt.
I want the person I love to take me dancing. I want him to look at me and make my heart skip a beat. I want to take his phone and crush it. And I want to take every one of those people in the community and hurt them. Because they mean more to him than I do.
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
Too Many Thoughts...
I'm not doing too well tonight. Sometimes things that probably mean nothing and shouldn't bother you at all seem to mean everything and become the things that keep you awake at night. and, honestly, right now, I hate. I hate that my boyfriend is sleeping in the next room while I write this. I hate that sometimes I hear his compliments about how I'm pretty and sweet and kind and I wish they were different ones. I hate that they make me want to be a different person sometimes, someone who is beautiful and vivacious and MEMORABLE. I hate that he can't tell how much it bugs me sometimes when people don't remember me, when they don't know my name. I hate how he's all the things I love about myself except AMPLIFIED. Better. He's the things I want to be. And sometimes I just feel...inadequate. Like I'm trying to be something I'm not, something I could never be. It's like having the ideal you dangled in front of your face and then, when you try to reach for it, snatched away. No, you can never be this person. But you can date him. and it's a strange kind of torture.
It's weird, we got together because we had so much to talk about, so much in common. But sometimes, these days, I don't feel like we talk at all when we're together. We coexist. We go from internet to tv show to work to event but we don't really...talk. Sometimes I feel closer to my boyfriend when I DON'T see him, when we're just communicating over the phone because he tells me his problems and his triumphs and what's going on with the people we know. And when I'm with him, we talk more when other people are around than when we're alone.
I honestly don't know what Im doing here. And tonight I'm just scared. Not scared that I'll lose him....scared that I'll let us stagnate and we'll just be...stuck. I can do stuck for a long time and I suspect he can too. But I don't want to be stuck, I want to be alive. I don't want to be comforting, I want to be exciting. And right now I don't care how high-school and juvenile that is. I love being his sanctuary, the person he comes to when he needs to relax, to hide from the world...it's not selfish to want more, is it? To want more and diametrically opposite things. To be engaged with. To be desired. To be craved. And not just because I'm so relaxing.
I'm sitting here as my boyfriend sleeps snd I'm wondering, am I just so subtle and hard to figure out? are we just so bad at synching our signals? Yesterday, he was really into me and I just wasn't feeling it...I did my best anyway. Tonight, I really need some strong emotion from him and I thought I was throwing out signals plenty but instead he's asleep and I'm wondering what went wrong.
I have so many thoughts tonight and I hate every one of them The thing I hate the most right now? That my boyfriend doesn't read this blog.
It's weird, we got together because we had so much to talk about, so much in common. But sometimes, these days, I don't feel like we talk at all when we're together. We coexist. We go from internet to tv show to work to event but we don't really...talk. Sometimes I feel closer to my boyfriend when I DON'T see him, when we're just communicating over the phone because he tells me his problems and his triumphs and what's going on with the people we know. And when I'm with him, we talk more when other people are around than when we're alone.
I honestly don't know what Im doing here. And tonight I'm just scared. Not scared that I'll lose him....scared that I'll let us stagnate and we'll just be...stuck. I can do stuck for a long time and I suspect he can too. But I don't want to be stuck, I want to be alive. I don't want to be comforting, I want to be exciting. And right now I don't care how high-school and juvenile that is. I love being his sanctuary, the person he comes to when he needs to relax, to hide from the world...it's not selfish to want more, is it? To want more and diametrically opposite things. To be engaged with. To be desired. To be craved. And not just because I'm so relaxing.
I'm sitting here as my boyfriend sleeps snd I'm wondering, am I just so subtle and hard to figure out? are we just so bad at synching our signals? Yesterday, he was really into me and I just wasn't feeling it...I did my best anyway. Tonight, I really need some strong emotion from him and I thought I was throwing out signals plenty but instead he's asleep and I'm wondering what went wrong.
I have so many thoughts tonight and I hate every one of them The thing I hate the most right now? That my boyfriend doesn't read this blog.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
...on silence...
She's very good at communicating She starts to talk and she never stops. Waterfalls cascade from her of information and emotion and I run beside her in one spot to keep up like Alice and the Red queen. I feel like I know everything about her by the end of it and I still want to know more..
But she doesn't always listen. I could wish she listened harder, so she would hear what I was saying, hear what I wasn't saying. But these are the things one requires silence for. Silence is a commodity it is hard to put a price on. It is undervalued and yet is invaluable. For out of silence, out of the small delicate desolate places, comes inspiration and honesty and pain and longing and love.
I hate to be interrupted. It's not that I lose my train of thought. It's that I invariably stop talking when someone else starts and whatever I had to say goes unexpressed. If there was something I had to tell you and you never found out, it's probably because you were trying so hard to talk you forgot to listen to what I was trying to say. And my mind works in roundabout ways. It travels in ellipses. Sometimes it takes me a little while to get there and it requires patience and silence and understanding. I fear to put my thoughts out there for I fear they will be rejected and sometimes that makes me blunt my meaning. Sometimes people take what I say the wrong way. Sometimes I mean them to.
People have all these ideas built in their heads. All these shortcuts. As long as they follow these paths, they don't have to look at experiences that might be new, don't have to take in thoughts that might be different. And we all do it, all the time. We choose to believe that a person is a certain way, because we're that way, because it makes it easier if we just simplify and generalize. And when people tell us we're wrong, we choose to disbelieve them, thinking we know them better than they know themselves. Naivety. Arrogance. Bravado. Simplification. Yet we all do it.
Maybe, if we just listened a little more, we could understand. If we weren't afraid of the silence. if we weren't always looking for a way to fill the empty spaces. If we weren't so scared that no one would hear us that we refused to take the time to hear others.
I don't know why silence disturbs us so much as a species. I just wish we'd get over it.
But she doesn't always listen. I could wish she listened harder, so she would hear what I was saying, hear what I wasn't saying. But these are the things one requires silence for. Silence is a commodity it is hard to put a price on. It is undervalued and yet is invaluable. For out of silence, out of the small delicate desolate places, comes inspiration and honesty and pain and longing and love.
I hate to be interrupted. It's not that I lose my train of thought. It's that I invariably stop talking when someone else starts and whatever I had to say goes unexpressed. If there was something I had to tell you and you never found out, it's probably because you were trying so hard to talk you forgot to listen to what I was trying to say. And my mind works in roundabout ways. It travels in ellipses. Sometimes it takes me a little while to get there and it requires patience and silence and understanding. I fear to put my thoughts out there for I fear they will be rejected and sometimes that makes me blunt my meaning. Sometimes people take what I say the wrong way. Sometimes I mean them to.
People have all these ideas built in their heads. All these shortcuts. As long as they follow these paths, they don't have to look at experiences that might be new, don't have to take in thoughts that might be different. And we all do it, all the time. We choose to believe that a person is a certain way, because we're that way, because it makes it easier if we just simplify and generalize. And when people tell us we're wrong, we choose to disbelieve them, thinking we know them better than they know themselves. Naivety. Arrogance. Bravado. Simplification. Yet we all do it.
Maybe, if we just listened a little more, we could understand. If we weren't afraid of the silence. if we weren't always looking for a way to fill the empty spaces. If we weren't so scared that no one would hear us that we refused to take the time to hear others.
I don't know why silence disturbs us so much as a species. I just wish we'd get over it.
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
I'm a little worried.
I'm really new to this whole poly thing. I expected to have some problems with it eventually. I expected I might get jealous or insecure. I expected that I might say or do something really awkward and hurtful and mess things up. I worried that I might not get along with the other girl or that I might end up comparing our relationships too much. None of the things I worried about have happened.
Instead, it's the other girl that seems to be having the issues. And this just...seems wrong. It's wrong that she's the insecure one, that she's so worried about possibly messing things up. It's wrong that she's getting left out. And I really just want to fix it but am not sure how. It's easy enough to say, oh you should do this and that, but I know that things don't work that way.
I tried to make things better today and I'm scared I made them worse instead. I tried to reassure her that she was cared for and it was just a conflict of styles that had brought her to the point of feeling left out. Now I'm worried because I think the guy took what I said to her badly for some reason.
I'm just...I'm not used to NOT fixing things. And I don't understand how I can feel like my own relationship is going so well and hers seems to be so on the rocks. How can we be dealing with the same guy and be getting such different results? This is one of the days I wish someone really was reading this blog. I could use someone to talk to. Or just to know someone is out there.
Instead, it's the other girl that seems to be having the issues. And this just...seems wrong. It's wrong that she's the insecure one, that she's so worried about possibly messing things up. It's wrong that she's getting left out. And I really just want to fix it but am not sure how. It's easy enough to say, oh you should do this and that, but I know that things don't work that way.
I tried to make things better today and I'm scared I made them worse instead. I tried to reassure her that she was cared for and it was just a conflict of styles that had brought her to the point of feeling left out. Now I'm worried because I think the guy took what I said to her badly for some reason.
I'm just...I'm not used to NOT fixing things. And I don't understand how I can feel like my own relationship is going so well and hers seems to be so on the rocks. How can we be dealing with the same guy and be getting such different results? This is one of the days I wish someone really was reading this blog. I could use someone to talk to. Or just to know someone is out there.
Thursday, 7 February 2013
(NSFW) Having one of those nights...
...when I don't like sex.
Now, I'm a little hard to understand sometimes. Sometimes I don't even understand myself. how is it I can be so gung ho about sex one day and then be wondering if I'm asexual a few days later. I can only blame it on the weirdest most annoying hormones ever, I suppose.
And the fact that I don't like sex. Or to be more clear, I don't really like penetrative sex. Now I'm going to rule out a few things here. It's not because I think it's icky or something. It's not because I have some religious or moral issue with it. It's not... a million reasons. It's maybe because I find it, just the tiniest bit, mechanical.
I love being touched. I love touching and exploring. And I take a lot of pleasure in the pleasure of my partners. But there comes the point where all of this just isn't enough. This point being when the thrusting starts. And it just gets repetitive and mechanical and BORING! And I know I'm not supposed to feel this way but I just do. And it's very hard to make other people understand this fact about me.
Now, to turn this conversation from the theoretical to the practical...I mentioned in my last post I'm starting up with a new relationship. It is awesome and connected and stimulating...and I absolutely love and adore it but tonight it fills me with a strange sort of terror. Because, dear readers, it has been a while. It has been a while since I made these observations firsthand and it has been a while since I allowed myself to get to the point where I might make these observations. Oh, there was a time or two where it got pretty close last year but something held me back.
Which means there's actually two separate things I'm afraid of. One of them is what I've been talking about earlier and the other is...the sex itself. Which I really shouldn't be as it makes no sense. But we'll not touch that pond full of frogs. So back to the first point.
Pretty much everything this guy has done, I've loved. Oh there have been one or two niggling things I haven't been crazy about but they can either be ignored or communicated and fixed. But, by and large, I am hugely emotionally and physically connected here. Which is why I think it might actually be okay. Which is why I'm hoping with all my heart it'll be okay. Which is why I'm terrified that it won't be okay.
Which is why, I finally admit to myself, I'm being juvenile and procrastinating about getting tested. Because as long as I put it off, things are still safe. I don't have to face this huge uncertainty within me. Because having this turn out bad would break my heart.
Now, I'm a little hard to understand sometimes. Sometimes I don't even understand myself. how is it I can be so gung ho about sex one day and then be wondering if I'm asexual a few days later. I can only blame it on the weirdest most annoying hormones ever, I suppose.
And the fact that I don't like sex. Or to be more clear, I don't really like penetrative sex. Now I'm going to rule out a few things here. It's not because I think it's icky or something. It's not because I have some religious or moral issue with it. It's not... a million reasons. It's maybe because I find it, just the tiniest bit, mechanical.
I love being touched. I love touching and exploring. And I take a lot of pleasure in the pleasure of my partners. But there comes the point where all of this just isn't enough. This point being when the thrusting starts. And it just gets repetitive and mechanical and BORING! And I know I'm not supposed to feel this way but I just do. And it's very hard to make other people understand this fact about me.
Now, to turn this conversation from the theoretical to the practical...I mentioned in my last post I'm starting up with a new relationship. It is awesome and connected and stimulating...and I absolutely love and adore it but tonight it fills me with a strange sort of terror. Because, dear readers, it has been a while. It has been a while since I made these observations firsthand and it has been a while since I allowed myself to get to the point where I might make these observations. Oh, there was a time or two where it got pretty close last year but something held me back.
Which means there's actually two separate things I'm afraid of. One of them is what I've been talking about earlier and the other is...the sex itself. Which I really shouldn't be as it makes no sense. But we'll not touch that pond full of frogs. So back to the first point.
Pretty much everything this guy has done, I've loved. Oh there have been one or two niggling things I haven't been crazy about but they can either be ignored or communicated and fixed. But, by and large, I am hugely emotionally and physically connected here. Which is why I think it might actually be okay. Which is why I'm hoping with all my heart it'll be okay. Which is why I'm terrified that it won't be okay.
Which is why, I finally admit to myself, I'm being juvenile and procrastinating about getting tested. Because as long as I put it off, things are still safe. I don't have to face this huge uncertainty within me. Because having this turn out bad would break my heart.
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