Hurt...

I only seem to write in here when things are bad. This isn't what I wanted for this blog, when I made it at the start of some year and made the resolution I would write more. I wanted to write good things and interesting things and I feel like somewhere along the line, I've lost sight of that. Not only in this blog but also in myself.

Was I happier before? Before I started caring about someone and opening myself up. I feel like I was but I'm not sure if I ubdestand the difference between happiness and indifference right now.  I was calmer. I had nothing to be disappointed about other than myself. I wasn't a part of this huge crapload of disaster that was the community.

The problem with having a boyfriend who is involved in things is, sometimes you realize you're at the bottom of the barrel in a long list of things and people who are more important than you.

I'm going to end up telling him that is alright. It won't be because it's alright. It will be because I'm weak. It will be because I need him to hold me and tell me things will get better. Because I'll deceive myself. I fucking hate being weak.

And I'm losing people. It took me a year and a half to get to the point where I felt like I could put myself out there with some of these people and feel safe. And it's all falling apart. And it's unfair. And I don't want to hurt.

I want the person I love to take me dancing. I want him to look at me and make my heart skip a beat. I want to take his phone and crush it. And I want to take every one of those people in the community and hurt them. Because they mean more to him than I do.