Today has been...the kind of day where it starts out well and ends up horrible and confusing. On the one hand, my little brother is at home and that is always awesome. Just having him in the house makes me feel more balanced. And balance is one of those things I've been lacking the past little while, for the stupidest of reasons. That reason is Skyfall. My cousin wants to see Skyfall and, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind seeing it either. But my parents are so willing to rearrange things so we can all go see it an I have to wonder, where was all this effort the last time I wanted to see a movie with them?
Okay, I admit it. I'm a little jealous...but it wasn't a big deal until later. Later was when a family friend came over and they started talking about skiing lessons. I've been trying to get us all to learn how to ski...forever. I have always been put off. The fact that they're so excited about the idea now and making plans...it's hurtful.
I'm a little sick of this. I'm sick of being ignored and taken for granted. I don't want to feel jealous and I don't want to feel hurt. And I don't want to not want to do something just because they're doing it because of him and not because of me. Cuz that's just stupid and petty.
And yet here I am. Nano has come in some ways at the worst time. i'm so off kilter right now I don't know how I'm supposed to write. But maybe that's why I should write. It's a little confusing. Either way, I'm so far behind right now, it scares me a little. Earlier years, i would have given up already. I'm not sure why I'm not doing thav now. Maybe I don't want to let the other nanoers down.
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Monday, 12 November 2012
NaNoWriMo 2012: Day 10/11
I'm combining these two days because...welll...honestly I was way too exhausted on saturday and most of sunday to get even a late blog post in.
Saturday: Whistler.
After getting little to no sleep, I got ready and we headed off to Whistler. I originally thought that I'd be able to get some writing done in the car....yeah no. I got way too busy getting the music set up at first and then the energy was just wrong. Plus, I was kinda tired. Sleep is not the kind of thing one should skip too often. Still, I do feel a bit guilty about that. When we finally got to Whistler, we explored the village...for about two minutes.Then we headed into the starbucks where it was warm and got coffee. i'd told them that today was going to be way too cold a day to really enjoy very much but for some reason i don't think it translated. We did some walking afterwards for a while before deciding to head back.
By this time I was exhausted. I fell asleep in the car for a while on the way back util we got back into Vancouver. When we got there, we decided we might as well check out the diwali celebrations at the Roundhouse. I don't think anyone really wanted to do it; we just knew we'd regret it if we didn't.
The roundhouse was...god, i don't know what happened the years we were gone. once upon a time, VCD used to be this fun community event where we handed out sweets and had the kids draw on the floor with coloured chalk and crushed up leaves. We had cuve local acts and just a friendly atmosphere. This thing that we walked in on was way too commercial and unwelcoming. For the first time, I didn't feel guilty for leaving the VCD team. This wasn't the event I remembered and loved anymore. I think we only stayed for a few minutes before deciding to head home.
Once we gov home, I decided to head up for a nap. These guys had decided in the car they wanted to see skyfall and my little brother had convinced me over the phone that it was much better than the travesty that had been Quantem of Solce so I was ready. I just needed a little nap first. Later on, my dad came into my room needing a usb cord, which I gave to him. Listening in, I figured out he was having trouble getting the pictures to show up n our tv. Since I knew i'd end up having to do it all eventually, I got up and went to go help. Once I gov there, i found out the skyfall plan had been cancelled while I was asleep. The rest of the night was spent looking at photos.
Sunday: Home
I got up a 11:11 on Sunday. Seriously, I heard all this noise and it woke me up and when I looked av my laptop to see the time, it was 11:11am. I figured that was a good sign and got up. Hung around for a little bit but everyone was all scattered and there was nothing on t so i eventually ended up going back to my room and crawling into my bed. Yesterday was just one of those days one spends hopelessly trying to catch up on all the sleep their body seems to need. No matter what I did, i couldn`t seem to keep awake. I couldnt`seem to get properly to sleep either. So most of the day passed in this sort of haze. It only really cleared up in the evening. I finished the last season of castle and my brother came home and I made some cookies.
Now, I would just like to add a note. Ever since a couple months ago, I have been trying to start this tradition that me and my other watch something together at night before we head off to our seperate lives. This past week, i had been having luck with it...until this weekend. This weekend has just been all kinds of wrong, for little reasons and that`s one of the little reasons. There are others why but I dont`really feel like talking about them. Suffice it to say, i`ve been feeling ignored and marginalized and stretched out.
And I really want to write.
Saturday: Whistler.
After getting little to no sleep, I got ready and we headed off to Whistler. I originally thought that I'd be able to get some writing done in the car....yeah no. I got way too busy getting the music set up at first and then the energy was just wrong. Plus, I was kinda tired. Sleep is not the kind of thing one should skip too often. Still, I do feel a bit guilty about that. When we finally got to Whistler, we explored the village...for about two minutes.Then we headed into the starbucks where it was warm and got coffee. i'd told them that today was going to be way too cold a day to really enjoy very much but for some reason i don't think it translated. We did some walking afterwards for a while before deciding to head back.
By this time I was exhausted. I fell asleep in the car for a while on the way back util we got back into Vancouver. When we got there, we decided we might as well check out the diwali celebrations at the Roundhouse. I don't think anyone really wanted to do it; we just knew we'd regret it if we didn't.
The roundhouse was...god, i don't know what happened the years we were gone. once upon a time, VCD used to be this fun community event where we handed out sweets and had the kids draw on the floor with coloured chalk and crushed up leaves. We had cuve local acts and just a friendly atmosphere. This thing that we walked in on was way too commercial and unwelcoming. For the first time, I didn't feel guilty for leaving the VCD team. This wasn't the event I remembered and loved anymore. I think we only stayed for a few minutes before deciding to head home.
Once we gov home, I decided to head up for a nap. These guys had decided in the car they wanted to see skyfall and my little brother had convinced me over the phone that it was much better than the travesty that had been Quantem of Solce so I was ready. I just needed a little nap first. Later on, my dad came into my room needing a usb cord, which I gave to him. Listening in, I figured out he was having trouble getting the pictures to show up n our tv. Since I knew i'd end up having to do it all eventually, I got up and went to go help. Once I gov there, i found out the skyfall plan had been cancelled while I was asleep. The rest of the night was spent looking at photos.
Sunday: Home
I got up a 11:11 on Sunday. Seriously, I heard all this noise and it woke me up and when I looked av my laptop to see the time, it was 11:11am. I figured that was a good sign and got up. Hung around for a little bit but everyone was all scattered and there was nothing on t so i eventually ended up going back to my room and crawling into my bed. Yesterday was just one of those days one spends hopelessly trying to catch up on all the sleep their body seems to need. No matter what I did, i couldn`t seem to keep awake. I couldnt`seem to get properly to sleep either. So most of the day passed in this sort of haze. It only really cleared up in the evening. I finished the last season of castle and my brother came home and I made some cookies.
Now, I would just like to add a note. Ever since a couple months ago, I have been trying to start this tradition that me and my other watch something together at night before we head off to our seperate lives. This past week, i had been having luck with it...until this weekend. This weekend has just been all kinds of wrong, for little reasons and that`s one of the little reasons. There are others why but I dont`really feel like talking about them. Suffice it to say, i`ve been feeling ignored and marginalized and stretched out.
And I really want to write.
Saturday, 10 November 2012
NaNoWriMo 2012: Day 9
Today is one of those days where I just don't want to get out of bed. My body hurts, my teeth hurt, and my brain hurts. Consequently nothing shall be done today.
Tomorrow we are apparently going to Whistler. I plan to take my notebook in the car with me. Not sure if I'll take the laptop. Hopefully I can get words done.
Until then, farewell.
Tomorrow we are apparently going to Whistler. I plan to take my notebook in the car with me. Not sure if I'll take the laptop. Hopefully I can get words done.
Until then, farewell.
Thursday, 8 November 2012
NaNoWriMo 2012: Day 8
Patricia Mckillip is an...odd...writer. Her books are sometimes so full of of metaphor you feel like you're wading through a dream. And dreamlike, once you reach the end, you're not sure you can really remember what happened other than some vivid flashed here and there. I remember taking "The Forgotten Beasts of Eld" out of the school library three or four times over my years of highschool. I remembered reading it. I just didn't remember what happened. I didn't even remember particularly liking it but I had to know what happened in it. My favourite book of hers though is "The Sorceress and The Cygnet," a book so drenched in metaphor and imagery that you're not really sure what's going on from one moment to the next or where exactly this is all heading. You watch the story spin and turn on you until you're not sure what parts are real and what parts are something else. Somewhere along the line, everything gets murky and you're not sure who you're rooting for anymore. You're not sure if the bad guys really are bad. Maybe they're just misunderstood.
It makes me wonder what kind of person this author is.Her writing style is extremely unconventional. I've written imagery-ish things before and they're fun to do but other people never seem to like them as much as i do.... So how exactly did she manage to convince someone that this style would sell? And how did she succeed?
In other news, I finished writing up a story that was about 2000 words. It took me near forever, I usually do much shorter scenes. And it went nowhere I was planning it. It's really hard to resist the urge to edit it because I knew some of the things I was writing down were wrong... or at least not completely right. Little details. It's about 5:30 in the morning and I'm taking a break now. I'll get back to my pondering at six or so.
There's a write in I'm hoping to make later today so I shall tell you how that goes...
Went to a morning write in and had a few word wars. It got some words done, though not many per war. Still, I've hopefully masses about 750? *goes to count*
.
word wars: 857
I didn't end up going to the write in in the eveng though. Instead I came home and fell asleep.
new total: 6533
It makes me wonder what kind of person this author is.Her writing style is extremely unconventional. I've written imagery-ish things before and they're fun to do but other people never seem to like them as much as i do.... So how exactly did she manage to convince someone that this style would sell? And how did she succeed?
In other news, I finished writing up a story that was about 2000 words. It took me near forever, I usually do much shorter scenes. And it went nowhere I was planning it. It's really hard to resist the urge to edit it because I knew some of the things I was writing down were wrong... or at least not completely right. Little details. It's about 5:30 in the morning and I'm taking a break now. I'll get back to my pondering at six or so.
There's a write in I'm hoping to make later today so I shall tell you how that goes...
Went to a morning write in and had a few word wars. It got some words done, though not many per war. Still, I've hopefully masses about 750? *goes to count*
.
word wars: 857
I didn't end up going to the write in in the eveng though. Instead I came home and fell asleep.
new total: 6533
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
NaNoWriMo 2012: Day 7
This is what writing SHOULD feel like. Now that I've given up on the idea of trying to do it all by thav one origin story and just started writing fanfic again, I'm feeling energized instead of drained when I finish a story or a scene. My head is filling with ideas and I want to jot them down.I just finished my first story of the day and I don't feel like it would be a chore to do more. Which is good because I have a LOT of catching up to do.
words written today: 965
Today i'm feeling full of hope. it's like some light is turned on inside of me and suddenly I know I can do this. I did it last year after all. I think part of the problem is thav people always make the whole, "something you can publish" comment. And don't get me wrong, I would love to be published one day. But that's not why I write. I write because writing is magic. When I write, the world makes sense. My focus narrows down to this tiny window and I know exactly who these people are and what they want. Sometimes they surprise me and end up wanting or doing different things than I thought they did when I started but that's alright.
There's that song from Pocahontas that goes "What I love most about rivers is you can't step in the same river twice. The water's always changing, always flowing." Writing is a little like that. Everytime you sit down to write, it's a little bit different. You're in a different mindset because of a million things and the writing is different. But it's the same river. it all flows from you. There's a sense of continuity and belonging and purpose. The next part of the song goes "Bu people, I guess, can't live like that. We all must pay a price. To be safe we lose our chance of ever knowing what's around the riverbend." And maybe that's true. Our lives do get a little safe. Mine especially. Maybe that's why writing gives me such a rush. When I start, I never know exactly where I'm going to end up. Half the fun is in not knowing, just going until you get there. Seeing where you end up.And this is the thing you can't explain to those who don't write. They have to find it out for themselves.
I remember once when someone told me they wanted to start writing. The first thing that popped out of my mouth was "Are you sure?" Because once you start, it'll always be there. Sometimes months will go by when you can ignore it but it'll always be there like an urge, like a yearning, like a drug you're trying to go cold turkey from. Once you tap into it, you can't completely control what comes out.
total words: 3223
words written today: 965
Today i'm feeling full of hope. it's like some light is turned on inside of me and suddenly I know I can do this. I did it last year after all. I think part of the problem is thav people always make the whole, "something you can publish" comment. And don't get me wrong, I would love to be published one day. But that's not why I write. I write because writing is magic. When I write, the world makes sense. My focus narrows down to this tiny window and I know exactly who these people are and what they want. Sometimes they surprise me and end up wanting or doing different things than I thought they did when I started but that's alright.
There's that song from Pocahontas that goes "What I love most about rivers is you can't step in the same river twice. The water's always changing, always flowing." Writing is a little like that. Everytime you sit down to write, it's a little bit different. You're in a different mindset because of a million things and the writing is different. But it's the same river. it all flows from you. There's a sense of continuity and belonging and purpose. The next part of the song goes "Bu people, I guess, can't live like that. We all must pay a price. To be safe we lose our chance of ever knowing what's around the riverbend." And maybe that's true. Our lives do get a little safe. Mine especially. Maybe that's why writing gives me such a rush. When I start, I never know exactly where I'm going to end up. Half the fun is in not knowing, just going until you get there. Seeing where you end up.And this is the thing you can't explain to those who don't write. They have to find it out for themselves.
I remember once when someone told me they wanted to start writing. The first thing that popped out of my mouth was "Are you sure?" Because once you start, it'll always be there. Sometimes months will go by when you can ignore it but it'll always be there like an urge, like a yearning, like a drug you're trying to go cold turkey from. Once you tap into it, you can't completely control what comes out.
total words: 3223
NaNoWriMo 2012: Day 6
Yes, I realize all my posts are late but whatever. At least they're still coming.
Today, I'm going to talk to you about Power Rangers. Last year I did Power Rangers fanfiction for my nano. This was a thing a lot of people found strange and not just because I had never written a piece of PR fanfiction in my life. No, because it was a children's show with a target of little boys about people who fought badly-made monsters in multicoloured tights. And it's a little hard to describe the appeal of this to a lot of people. Here's a few takes on it.
I'm a geek. We geeks tend to like things others might find strange for little reason other than we like them and think they're awesome. I also like comics where superheroes fight overly dramatic villains in multicoloured tights. I like magic and supernatural things. I like fairy tales. I like family-friendly movies that have dancing and singing. I like Bollywood. I like a million different things that someone or the other is goig to have a problem with or think is immature or silly. I've been like this all my life and I find I care less and less about what people think of me everyday.
I'm horribly idealistic. I've seen bad things happen. I've seen good people turn hard and bitter, losing in both love and life. And yes, some days I don't believe in either of those little things. But there's this little girl in my heart. She believes that people can get happy endings. She believes that good can defeat evil. And she believes that sometimes fate is on your side. Sure the stories in PR are sometimes a little simplistic...but they're full of hope. And hope is something we live without too much in this world. Hope is what we return to. The hope that when we're walking late at night and we're scared, there'll be a hero when we need one. Everyone won't just look away and assume it's someone else's problem. And hope that sometimes we're that hero, that we can save other people just as much as they save us. We can make a difference. It's more than just a hope that good can overcome evil, iv's watching people who are not that much different from us do so and make us feel like we could do so. Which brings us to the next bi.
I'm a girl. Some people would say this works against me since Power Rangers is technically a "boys show." Those people...don't really know Power Rangers all that well. These days, there's a million shows girls can watch about girls who fight crime and make a difference and do interesting things without having to run into this stigma. But I grew up on boys shows. When other girls pretended to be princesses, I was pretending to be batgirl. My friend would be catwoman, who I thought was so much cooler but she was older and got to decide. I was always a bit dissatisfied with batgirl, she was kind of an adjunct to batman, the way robin was. I liked the Xmen girls way better. I could never figure out if I liked Rogue or Storm better. Jubilee was just annoying and Jean Grey was nice and all but she just wasn't as cool. Spiderman was an awesome cartoon too. My favourite character was the Black Cat, though I thought Madame Web was really cool. And I loved the Power Rangers. Kimberly was a hardcore gymnast who ended up leaving the team to compete in the PanOlympics. Trini was a martial artist as good as any of the guys who ended up at a World Peace Conference. And that's just the original team. Over the years, there have been female rangers who were former villains, doctors, fighter pilots. They've been scientists and rockstars and racecar drivers. But, mostly, they've been role models. They've been friends who went out and taught us to be brave. They inspired us. The female audience of Power Rangers is sometimes a bit overlooked but one thing they've never been is ignored. There has always been females on the team and they've always been these individuals who showed us a million different ways to be and that it was alright to be who we were, whoever we were.
I'm a romantic. Romance is another thing that isn't really associated with Power Rangers...unless you're a fan. Power rangers fandom basically runs off pairings. We have come up with more ways to get our favourite rangers together than you can possibly imagine. It would take so much less work to find a non-pairing story in Harry Potter or Buffy or Firefly. For a show about fighting, very little of the fanfic surrounding it is about fighting. It's a little crazyweird for people who don't get this undercurrent of romance that winds its way through the show and through our hearts.And yet. Looking back on my past, I can't help thinking back to Tommy and Kimberly of the original Power Rangers seasons. Out of all the couples i saw on tv, they were my idea of what a relationship looked like. They were caring. They were supportive. They were hopelessly romantic. And all of us girls who watched were a little in love with Tommy because of it. It was almost a running joke back then, if a girl watched Power Rangers, the first thing people did was ask if Tommy was her favourite guy in that sickening voice people do. (To be clear, my favourite male ranger back then was Billy.) For two and a half years we watched the relationship of these two.We watched as Kim stood by Tommy when he lost his powers and we saw her reaction and happiness when he came back as the white ranger. We watched them comfort each other when bad things happened and celebrate when the good ones did. We watched Kim show up to Tommy's tournaments and Tommy drop Kim off at the gym for late night practices. And while we were happy for Kim when her dream of being a professional gymnast worked out, we were sad she was leaving the team and that she was leaving Tommy. We knew we'd never see her again and kinda knew the people running the show were going to try to get Tommy and Kat together. We did not expect them to have Kim break up with him via a letter and every fanfic writer since has probably tried their hand at fixing this or dreamed of doing so. There have been a bunch of awesome couples since and I could go on forever about each of them but I won't. I've probably gushed too much already. You get the point.
So there, some reasons for my Power rangers fixation. And hey, it's not like I'm the only one these days fixated on a children's show. Seriously my obsession for Power rangers is no worse than the obsession of others for My Little Pony. Right?
;)
Today, I'm going to talk to you about Power Rangers. Last year I did Power Rangers fanfiction for my nano. This was a thing a lot of people found strange and not just because I had never written a piece of PR fanfiction in my life. No, because it was a children's show with a target of little boys about people who fought badly-made monsters in multicoloured tights. And it's a little hard to describe the appeal of this to a lot of people. Here's a few takes on it.
I'm a geek. We geeks tend to like things others might find strange for little reason other than we like them and think they're awesome. I also like comics where superheroes fight overly dramatic villains in multicoloured tights. I like magic and supernatural things. I like fairy tales. I like family-friendly movies that have dancing and singing. I like Bollywood. I like a million different things that someone or the other is goig to have a problem with or think is immature or silly. I've been like this all my life and I find I care less and less about what people think of me everyday.
I'm horribly idealistic. I've seen bad things happen. I've seen good people turn hard and bitter, losing in both love and life. And yes, some days I don't believe in either of those little things. But there's this little girl in my heart. She believes that people can get happy endings. She believes that good can defeat evil. And she believes that sometimes fate is on your side. Sure the stories in PR are sometimes a little simplistic...but they're full of hope. And hope is something we live without too much in this world. Hope is what we return to. The hope that when we're walking late at night and we're scared, there'll be a hero when we need one. Everyone won't just look away and assume it's someone else's problem. And hope that sometimes we're that hero, that we can save other people just as much as they save us. We can make a difference. It's more than just a hope that good can overcome evil, iv's watching people who are not that much different from us do so and make us feel like we could do so. Which brings us to the next bi.
I'm a girl. Some people would say this works against me since Power Rangers is technically a "boys show." Those people...don't really know Power Rangers all that well. These days, there's a million shows girls can watch about girls who fight crime and make a difference and do interesting things without having to run into this stigma. But I grew up on boys shows. When other girls pretended to be princesses, I was pretending to be batgirl. My friend would be catwoman, who I thought was so much cooler but she was older and got to decide. I was always a bit dissatisfied with batgirl, she was kind of an adjunct to batman, the way robin was. I liked the Xmen girls way better. I could never figure out if I liked Rogue or Storm better. Jubilee was just annoying and Jean Grey was nice and all but she just wasn't as cool. Spiderman was an awesome cartoon too. My favourite character was the Black Cat, though I thought Madame Web was really cool. And I loved the Power Rangers. Kimberly was a hardcore gymnast who ended up leaving the team to compete in the PanOlympics. Trini was a martial artist as good as any of the guys who ended up at a World Peace Conference. And that's just the original team. Over the years, there have been female rangers who were former villains, doctors, fighter pilots. They've been scientists and rockstars and racecar drivers. But, mostly, they've been role models. They've been friends who went out and taught us to be brave. They inspired us. The female audience of Power Rangers is sometimes a bit overlooked but one thing they've never been is ignored. There has always been females on the team and they've always been these individuals who showed us a million different ways to be and that it was alright to be who we were, whoever we were.
I'm a romantic. Romance is another thing that isn't really associated with Power Rangers...unless you're a fan. Power rangers fandom basically runs off pairings. We have come up with more ways to get our favourite rangers together than you can possibly imagine. It would take so much less work to find a non-pairing story in Harry Potter or Buffy or Firefly. For a show about fighting, very little of the fanfic surrounding it is about fighting. It's a little crazyweird for people who don't get this undercurrent of romance that winds its way through the show and through our hearts.And yet. Looking back on my past, I can't help thinking back to Tommy and Kimberly of the original Power Rangers seasons. Out of all the couples i saw on tv, they were my idea of what a relationship looked like. They were caring. They were supportive. They were hopelessly romantic. And all of us girls who watched were a little in love with Tommy because of it. It was almost a running joke back then, if a girl watched Power Rangers, the first thing people did was ask if Tommy was her favourite guy in that sickening voice people do. (To be clear, my favourite male ranger back then was Billy.) For two and a half years we watched the relationship of these two.We watched as Kim stood by Tommy when he lost his powers and we saw her reaction and happiness when he came back as the white ranger. We watched them comfort each other when bad things happened and celebrate when the good ones did. We watched Kim show up to Tommy's tournaments and Tommy drop Kim off at the gym for late night practices. And while we were happy for Kim when her dream of being a professional gymnast worked out, we were sad she was leaving the team and that she was leaving Tommy. We knew we'd never see her again and kinda knew the people running the show were going to try to get Tommy and Kat together. We did not expect them to have Kim break up with him via a letter and every fanfic writer since has probably tried their hand at fixing this or dreamed of doing so. There have been a bunch of awesome couples since and I could go on forever about each of them but I won't. I've probably gushed too much already. You get the point.
So there, some reasons for my Power rangers fixation. And hey, it's not like I'm the only one these days fixated on a children's show. Seriously my obsession for Power rangers is no worse than the obsession of others for My Little Pony. Right?
;)
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
NaNoWriMo 2012: Day 5
So today is the first day I've felt like myself in a long while. I don't know if there's one thing or many but I had just been feeling really off-kilter for the past month or so. I know part of it has been my cousin staying with us. He's very extroverted and it's honestly exhausting spending large periods of time of him. Maybe some of it has to do with getting stuck in the relationship tangles of two of my friends who have suddenly decided they like each other. It's weird, in so many ways because one of them I used to have a thing with and even though this was long ago, I find myself stricken with needles of jealousy at the oddest times.
A huge part of it has been the fact that...I don't think I like my character anymore. At least I'm not sure I really understand her. She has changed so much since she was first imagined, so much has happened to her to change her, I'm not sure who she is anymore. I think I thought writing this origins thing would make her clearer to me but...it has been really torturous. And it shouldn't be. I should know Illana almost as well as I know myself. I should know how she reacts, what she feels...I should know the forces that drive her. I don't.
I know where she was when she first joined the group. Having lost everyone important to her, having watched her brother be killed by vampires, av the time she was driven very much by revenge. She joined up with Selene and her army despite hating vampires with a passion because she knew they were the ones who could hurt the ones who had killed her brother.
Once she got to know them, her unreasoning hate ceased and she joined with them in a truer spirit, helping Selene with a magical enhancing on one of the vampires and later becoming that vampire's ghoul. It was something the Illana who originally joined would have been shocked at but..it felt right. It felt like the next step. A bigger deal was when she found herself going back to Vancouver with everyone. I think she had assumed she would eventually go back to her life on the road but instead she found herself bound to a vampire and strangely alright with it. She left her old life of searching behind, along with any residual hope she might have had of finding her siblings, and threw herself into her life. One of books and politics and magic.
At one point she lost large parts of her memory...which was superfun to play, despite it annoying the shit out of some people. I was a little bit disappointed when she ended up getting her memory back. She went to Rome, she ended responsible for medicine for an asylum...and she ended up pregnant.
I think this is really when all the problems started. This part of her plot happened right as I had to leave for Virginia to spend time with my cousin. I didn't know how long I'd be staying at the time but it ended up being two months. I missed a session before catching the next two by skype. It just wasn't the same. I couldn't get into her character this way, although I did my best. And it was sad also because I had been looking forward to playing Illana pregnant since it happened and now it just wasn't working. And the vampire she had been a ghoul to ran off. Illana ended up having her children and life went on.
And then I came back home. The campaign had finished and we were starting a new one, five years later in the game world. I was the mother of five year olds who I really knew nothing about but except that they were too precocious for their own good and that almost everything Illana had once been was lost now in the intervening years. The edge which i'd liked about her had been dulled, she wasn't the girl who trusted no one anymore. She was a mature pillar of this community with two boys she was raising as a single mother with a very strange extended family. She had roots and friends and people she trusted to take care of her kids when he wasn't around. At the same time, she'd lost the people who she really connected with and enjoyed spending time, the ones who had taught her to open up in the first place.
So I've been trying to reconnect with her but I'm not sure I'm succeeding. These days in the games, I worry that I'm just playing me. Way back when, I knew all the ways that Illana was different from who I am and I think I exaggerated a lot of those traits to distinguish her even more. Illana was impulsive and she had a temper. She always expected the worst out of everyone and was cynical and sarcastic.She...honestly wasn't the nicest person in the world but I loved her all the more for it. But she grew up. She grew to trust. She learned patience and she learned to dull her tongue. These days I feel like she has grown out of a lot of her issues but...without those issues, who is she, really?
I think I thought that writing her history would remind me of who she really was but...I found myself writing about a different Illana, one who wasn't scarred by her past because it hadn't happened yet. I found a sweet girl who likes being helpful and likes people and manages to be hopeful and optimistic despite the fact that everything has gone to shit around her...and I don't think I can let bad things happen to her. I don't think I can break her heart.
This has never happened to me before. I put my characters through bad things so they can learn and grow past them. I know they're strong enough to take whatever I throw at them so I've never hesitated to get them into things just to see how they'll get themselves out or to put them through pain and suffering so I can watch them become stronger because of it. So it really puzzles me that I'm so hesitant to write the things I *know* need to happen in order for Illana to become the person she needs to be. This isn't like me and I have no idea what to do to get past it.
I started this post talking about how I felt like myself today after a long time. After a month...maybe after a couple months. I honestly don't know why. Nothing has changed. All the problems I had before, I still have. And yet I just feel...lighter...clearer...like I've found something, some sort of purpose that was missing for a while, something I didn't even know I'd lost until now. I'm not sure. Something good.
A huge part of it has been the fact that...I don't think I like my character anymore. At least I'm not sure I really understand her. She has changed so much since she was first imagined, so much has happened to her to change her, I'm not sure who she is anymore. I think I thought writing this origins thing would make her clearer to me but...it has been really torturous. And it shouldn't be. I should know Illana almost as well as I know myself. I should know how she reacts, what she feels...I should know the forces that drive her. I don't.
I know where she was when she first joined the group. Having lost everyone important to her, having watched her brother be killed by vampires, av the time she was driven very much by revenge. She joined up with Selene and her army despite hating vampires with a passion because she knew they were the ones who could hurt the ones who had killed her brother.
Once she got to know them, her unreasoning hate ceased and she joined with them in a truer spirit, helping Selene with a magical enhancing on one of the vampires and later becoming that vampire's ghoul. It was something the Illana who originally joined would have been shocked at but..it felt right. It felt like the next step. A bigger deal was when she found herself going back to Vancouver with everyone. I think she had assumed she would eventually go back to her life on the road but instead she found herself bound to a vampire and strangely alright with it. She left her old life of searching behind, along with any residual hope she might have had of finding her siblings, and threw herself into her life. One of books and politics and magic.
At one point she lost large parts of her memory...which was superfun to play, despite it annoying the shit out of some people. I was a little bit disappointed when she ended up getting her memory back. She went to Rome, she ended responsible for medicine for an asylum...and she ended up pregnant.
I think this is really when all the problems started. This part of her plot happened right as I had to leave for Virginia to spend time with my cousin. I didn't know how long I'd be staying at the time but it ended up being two months. I missed a session before catching the next two by skype. It just wasn't the same. I couldn't get into her character this way, although I did my best. And it was sad also because I had been looking forward to playing Illana pregnant since it happened and now it just wasn't working. And the vampire she had been a ghoul to ran off. Illana ended up having her children and life went on.
And then I came back home. The campaign had finished and we were starting a new one, five years later in the game world. I was the mother of five year olds who I really knew nothing about but except that they were too precocious for their own good and that almost everything Illana had once been was lost now in the intervening years. The edge which i'd liked about her had been dulled, she wasn't the girl who trusted no one anymore. She was a mature pillar of this community with two boys she was raising as a single mother with a very strange extended family. She had roots and friends and people she trusted to take care of her kids when he wasn't around. At the same time, she'd lost the people who she really connected with and enjoyed spending time, the ones who had taught her to open up in the first place.
So I've been trying to reconnect with her but I'm not sure I'm succeeding. These days in the games, I worry that I'm just playing me. Way back when, I knew all the ways that Illana was different from who I am and I think I exaggerated a lot of those traits to distinguish her even more. Illana was impulsive and she had a temper. She always expected the worst out of everyone and was cynical and sarcastic.She...honestly wasn't the nicest person in the world but I loved her all the more for it. But she grew up. She grew to trust. She learned patience and she learned to dull her tongue. These days I feel like she has grown out of a lot of her issues but...without those issues, who is she, really?
I think I thought that writing her history would remind me of who she really was but...I found myself writing about a different Illana, one who wasn't scarred by her past because it hadn't happened yet. I found a sweet girl who likes being helpful and likes people and manages to be hopeful and optimistic despite the fact that everything has gone to shit around her...and I don't think I can let bad things happen to her. I don't think I can break her heart.
This has never happened to me before. I put my characters through bad things so they can learn and grow past them. I know they're strong enough to take whatever I throw at them so I've never hesitated to get them into things just to see how they'll get themselves out or to put them through pain and suffering so I can watch them become stronger because of it. So it really puzzles me that I'm so hesitant to write the things I *know* need to happen in order for Illana to become the person she needs to be. This isn't like me and I have no idea what to do to get past it.
I started this post talking about how I felt like myself today after a long time. After a month...maybe after a couple months. I honestly don't know why. Nothing has changed. All the problems I had before, I still have. And yet I just feel...lighter...clearer...like I've found something, some sort of purpose that was missing for a while, something I didn't even know I'd lost until now. I'm not sure. Something good.
Monday, 5 November 2012
NanoWriMo 2012: Day 4
Kids are superawesome. That's my excuse. My plan to write when I was babysitting went out the door almost as soon as I got there. Instead I played games and watched videos and ate macaroni. I should really feel guilty about getting any writing done but I really don't
I am however thinking that maybe I should use some fanfiction as a backup though. My origin thing is not being very inspiring and while I torture myself, I get further and further behind.
In other news, it is now my parents' anniversary. There shall be a having of dinner in the evening and lotsa fun. Happy Anniversary!!!!
Total words: 2258
I am however thinking that maybe I should use some fanfiction as a backup though. My origin thing is not being very inspiring and while I torture myself, I get further and further behind.
In other news, it is now my parents' anniversary. There shall be a having of dinner in the evening and lotsa fun. Happy Anniversary!!!!
Total words: 2258
Sunday, 4 November 2012
NaNoWriMo 2012: Day 3
I actually did a little writing today. And by that I mean very little. I finished a scene of 358 words.
That's alright though. Honestly, I'm a bit surprised I finished anything at all. Between getting up late and having someone drop by and having my game, I expected this day to be one of those where I just had to accept that I wasn't going to get any writing done.
Hopefully day four will be different though. I'm doing some babysitting and will take along my book nd my computer. Perhaps I'll be able to do some writing. Lots of writing!
I'm really behind... :S
A short blog here.
Ah well, more tomorrow.
total words: 2258
That's alright though. Honestly, I'm a bit surprised I finished anything at all. Between getting up late and having someone drop by and having my game, I expected this day to be one of those where I just had to accept that I wasn't going to get any writing done.
Hopefully day four will be different though. I'm doing some babysitting and will take along my book nd my computer. Perhaps I'll be able to do some writing. Lots of writing!
I'm really behind... :S
A short blog here.
Ah well, more tomorrow.
total words: 2258
Saturday, 3 November 2012
NaNoWriMo 2012: Day 2
It is 10pm and I have not done any writing today. Rather, I went to sleep at about 12:30 last night and woke up today at around 6pm. Yes, I slept the day away.
Actually, to be completely technical...I did write ONE paragraph.
Wordcount at 10pm: 59 words. Hold on while I go update my total on the site.
So, I have totally been procrastinating all day. First I decided I needed to get my nano excel sheet set up. Apparently I didn't have enough room on my computer to let it do that so I had to move a couple seasons of stuff. Then I was hungry so I heated up some chicken wings and grabbed some pop. Then I decided I needed the other computer because writing on a keyboard in which some of the keys don't work is distracting. Let's not spend too much time on the fact that, since changing, I've been distracted by trying to bring my keyboard habits back to normal. So I moved the other computer to my room, screen and all. Unfortunately it wouldn't charge which I worried over for a while before i took the nintendo solution. Yes, I took the battery out and blew on it. Go me.
So the computer works now and I'm on it far away from distractions...you'd think. But no, I don't have any images for my wallpaper so I have to find nano2012 calenders. and then I really should check on my storywrite group and pout up those topics I've been neglecting. And then my friend needs to talk to me about something. Oh, also, I finally got the nanoskype thing to work on my nanokylia account. :)
Also, I can get onto old versions of the site. O_o
Leaving this here for now. Shall try to see if I can get any words done in the next 2 hours before I post this.
Wordcount at 11pm: 403 words. This is also the end of the scene I started yesterday. 764 words.
Also, I just checked the wordcount scoreboard and the Vancouver region is up from number 48 to number 33 on the list.
Total thus far: 1332
Okay, I put in the wordcount for a scene I finished a few minutes before midnight.
new scene: 568 words.
total today: 971
total thus far: 1900
This is technically being written on the third since it is after midnight but we'll pretend it's for the second, K? ^_^
I leave you with this. Sometimes the worst place to write is your room. It's way too quiet and there are wayyyy too many distractions. And you get way more done when you're procrastinating than you think. On everything else.
Actually, to be completely technical...I did write ONE paragraph.
Wordcount at 10pm: 59 words. Hold on while I go update my total on the site.
So, I have totally been procrastinating all day. First I decided I needed to get my nano excel sheet set up. Apparently I didn't have enough room on my computer to let it do that so I had to move a couple seasons of stuff. Then I was hungry so I heated up some chicken wings and grabbed some pop. Then I decided I needed the other computer because writing on a keyboard in which some of the keys don't work is distracting. Let's not spend too much time on the fact that, since changing, I've been distracted by trying to bring my keyboard habits back to normal. So I moved the other computer to my room, screen and all. Unfortunately it wouldn't charge which I worried over for a while before i took the nintendo solution. Yes, I took the battery out and blew on it. Go me.
So the computer works now and I'm on it far away from distractions...you'd think. But no, I don't have any images for my wallpaper so I have to find nano2012 calenders. and then I really should check on my storywrite group and pout up those topics I've been neglecting. And then my friend needs to talk to me about something. Oh, also, I finally got the nanoskype thing to work on my nanokylia account. :)
Also, I can get onto old versions of the site. O_o
Leaving this here for now. Shall try to see if I can get any words done in the next 2 hours before I post this.
Wordcount at 11pm: 403 words. This is also the end of the scene I started yesterday. 764 words.
Also, I just checked the wordcount scoreboard and the Vancouver region is up from number 48 to number 33 on the list.
Total thus far: 1332
Okay, I put in the wordcount for a scene I finished a few minutes before midnight.
new scene: 568 words.
total today: 971
total thus far: 1900
This is technically being written on the third since it is after midnight but we'll pretend it's for the second, K? ^_^
I leave you with this. Sometimes the worst place to write is your room. It's way too quiet and there are wayyyy too many distractions. And you get way more done when you're procrastinating than you think. On everything else.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
NaNoWriMo 2012: Day 1
This is a little crazy. In a month where I'm adding all this obligatory writing into my schedule with nanowrimo, I shouldn't be making even more work for myself by deciding I'm going to blog about the experience as well. And yet here I am.
The day started off to a...late start in a way. Most years I attempt to start writing at midnight but vhis year I was at the annual halloween party which went on longer than I think anyone expected. I got home at aboout three in the morning. Exhausted. Somehow, I still didn't end up going to sleep until about five though.I ended up getting woken up at around 8:30 which is probably a good thing since I had a brunch thing with a friend at 10:30. Somehow I made my way out of bed and onto a bus. it's probably good I didn't get too much sleep anyway. It would have more likely just made me more tired.
"Before-sleep" wordcount: 0
After the brunch (at Le Petit Culierre, which is an awesome teashop on East Braodway) I headed to the write-in at West Van Memorial Library. Ususally I wouldn't consider going there since I'm situated in Surrey and it would take me near forever to transit but, hey, I was downtown already and I was severely failig on the word thing.
I have to say, this library is really interesting looking. It has stone walls and random nook-like alcoves. I thought it was pretty cool. The write-in itself was...empty. When I got there at about two pm, only one other person was there and i caught her just as she was about to leave. While I was alone, I started working my way through his torturous scene where my character is ten and cuts vegetables and spies on a patron in the main room of her parents' pub. It's really a stupid scene of almost no importance but I had to start somewhere and I wanted to develop a sort of baseline for my character's personality before crap starts happening to her.
Anyway, I got about 300 words hammered out before someone else arrived. Is it bad I don't remember her name? I did the small talk thing for a while and found out about the story she was writing. his may or may not have been a ploy to put off getting back to my scene which I was struggling over. Eventually we got to writing and I was able to figure out where I wanted my scene to go. It took some effort though.Last year, things just sort of flowed out of me like water at the start but this time it seems to be taking some time. I finished the scene though. Evil scene. *glares*
Scene 1: 568 words
This immense hurdle over, I happily sipped at the coffee my writing friend had been kind enough to grab me. By the way, it's really cool that the cafe gives out free coffee to the nanowriters. I approve of this.
Contemplating the notebook before me, I decided to do a scene of my character escaping a volitile town. I'm a bit iffy on details of her history so I didn't really know where this would head but I figured she'd have done this at one point or another. It ended up devolving into a tangent on how she and her brother Daniel became couriers. By the way, she and her brother are couriers. Apparently. I didn't know this before now but I'm going with it. Unfortunately, it hit five pm and we had to vacate before I could finish the scene so it's just sort of hanging there right now. I'm thinking of mentioning how the two are looking for their younger siblings in this scene but we'll see what happens.
Scene 2: 361 words.
Words today: 929...apparently. 20 more than I thought I had when I did the math in my head earlier. This is good. Not as good as 1667 words though, which is the average that must be maintained to succeed this month. Somehow I'm thinking I'm not going to get any more words in my story done tonight. I'm a bit on the tired side.
Words to go: 49,071
New average that needs to be done: 1693
Should be finished by...Dec. 23rd. Right. No way. I'm going to have to finish scene 2 tomorrow and do some extra writing to bring up that average. I still haven't set up my excel stuff which I'll probably do tonight. Also, I should really check on my Storywrite group. i need to put up like a million topics, including widgets. I've been ignoring them, sad to say.
So hopefully I don't bail on this blog tomorrow and you get to hear my further adventures in Nanoland. Until then, a shoutout to all those writers out there. Good luck!
The day started off to a...late start in a way. Most years I attempt to start writing at midnight but vhis year I was at the annual halloween party which went on longer than I think anyone expected. I got home at aboout three in the morning. Exhausted. Somehow, I still didn't end up going to sleep until about five though.I ended up getting woken up at around 8:30 which is probably a good thing since I had a brunch thing with a friend at 10:30. Somehow I made my way out of bed and onto a bus. it's probably good I didn't get too much sleep anyway. It would have more likely just made me more tired.
"Before-sleep" wordcount: 0
After the brunch (at Le Petit Culierre, which is an awesome teashop on East Braodway) I headed to the write-in at West Van Memorial Library. Ususally I wouldn't consider going there since I'm situated in Surrey and it would take me near forever to transit but, hey, I was downtown already and I was severely failig on the word thing.
I have to say, this library is really interesting looking. It has stone walls and random nook-like alcoves. I thought it was pretty cool. The write-in itself was...empty. When I got there at about two pm, only one other person was there and i caught her just as she was about to leave. While I was alone, I started working my way through his torturous scene where my character is ten and cuts vegetables and spies on a patron in the main room of her parents' pub. It's really a stupid scene of almost no importance but I had to start somewhere and I wanted to develop a sort of baseline for my character's personality before crap starts happening to her.
Anyway, I got about 300 words hammered out before someone else arrived. Is it bad I don't remember her name? I did the small talk thing for a while and found out about the story she was writing. his may or may not have been a ploy to put off getting back to my scene which I was struggling over. Eventually we got to writing and I was able to figure out where I wanted my scene to go. It took some effort though.Last year, things just sort of flowed out of me like water at the start but this time it seems to be taking some time. I finished the scene though. Evil scene. *glares*
Scene 1: 568 words
This immense hurdle over, I happily sipped at the coffee my writing friend had been kind enough to grab me. By the way, it's really cool that the cafe gives out free coffee to the nanowriters. I approve of this.
Contemplating the notebook before me, I decided to do a scene of my character escaping a volitile town. I'm a bit iffy on details of her history so I didn't really know where this would head but I figured she'd have done this at one point or another. It ended up devolving into a tangent on how she and her brother Daniel became couriers. By the way, she and her brother are couriers. Apparently. I didn't know this before now but I'm going with it. Unfortunately, it hit five pm and we had to vacate before I could finish the scene so it's just sort of hanging there right now. I'm thinking of mentioning how the two are looking for their younger siblings in this scene but we'll see what happens.
Scene 2: 361 words.
Words today: 929...apparently. 20 more than I thought I had when I did the math in my head earlier. This is good. Not as good as 1667 words though, which is the average that must be maintained to succeed this month. Somehow I'm thinking I'm not going to get any more words in my story done tonight. I'm a bit on the tired side.
Words to go: 49,071
New average that needs to be done: 1693
Should be finished by...Dec. 23rd. Right. No way. I'm going to have to finish scene 2 tomorrow and do some extra writing to bring up that average. I still haven't set up my excel stuff which I'll probably do tonight. Also, I should really check on my Storywrite group. i need to put up like a million topics, including widgets. I've been ignoring them, sad to say.
So hopefully I don't bail on this blog tomorrow and you get to hear my further adventures in Nanoland. Until then, a shoutout to all those writers out there. Good luck!
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