My mind wandered down a strange avenue today. It happened, I think, partly because of a fanfic I was reading but partly because it's been tumbling about in the back of my mind for a while. In the story I was reading, the main character is dealing with going through a period in his life where he's trying to figure out if he likes guys or girls or how he feels about his sexuality in general.One of the characters he meets considers herself asexual and that sent my mind going down a strange path.
Life tends to surprise us, whenever we try to figure it out. It seems to lead one way and then ends up somewhere completely different. Two of my best female friends are engaged to each other, a fact I handled learning fairly well considering all the past relationships, all with boys, they had confided to me before. I felt a little betrayed, I think, at the time that such a huge event had happened in their life and neither of them had seen fit to inform me of any of tit. But that's my lot in life I suppose. i'm quiet and undemanding and people tend to forget about me and keeping me in their lives unless I make a huge effort. I try, sometimes, but making that effort day in and day out tires me so I let it fall by the wayside more and more.
One of my friends called me frigid, once. He was trying to be cruel, he's the type that feels like he needs to be cruel and I think I'm his friend because i understand that about him, but strangely enough I sort've liked the appellation. In a weird way, it fits me. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very tactile person. I love hugs and cuddles and stuff but...I have to admit, I'm not the hugest fan of sex. And this is hard for people to understand. I usually blame it on a thyroid thing, people understand medical reasons, but the truth is that it's just not my favourite thing. I'm not incredibly averse to it but it's more something I partake of for my partner's enjoyment rather than my own.
It's hard, sometimes, to reconcile the different parts of myself. in a way, I NEED people around. I need and crave that physical contact one can't always get in simple friendship. Well, maybe in mine. A lot of my friendships are a bit more tactile than "normal" as my way of compensating. At the same time, I'm scared of relationships because they always want more of me than I can really give. At least right now.
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