For something I had planned to update every day...I'm obviously horrible a this. It has been a month since I last posted on this thing, for several reasons actually. Part of it is me not being sure if I have anything to say. A bigger part of it is the nervousness that comes along with sending your thoughts out into the world, not knowing who is reading them and being a little afraid that nobody is because nobody cares.
I don't really have a purpose for this blog. It's a little bit like two things mashed together. One is keeping track of the cool things that happen around the city. The other is trying to make sense of me and my somewhat strange way of looking at life. This entry is of the second sort.
I really hate labels. People say they hate labels but what they usually mean is that they mildly dislike being categorized. They generally DON'T mean that they dislike it so much they'll do the opposite of what they probably should just to stop you from putting them into that box. One of the labels I'm finding I hate more and more is "monogamy." Seriously, I just can't do it these days. This isn't some "I want to go out and have sex with random people" rant (though that might be an interesting experience to try). This is a "monogamy makes me think of limits and possessiveness and that really makes me uncomfortable these days" kind of thing.
I've done the clingy thing. It was fun for a while. It isn't fun anymore. The whole "be mine" thing just makes me want to squirm uncomfortably. I'm...a little weird, i guess, in the way I think, yeah. Most people would be ecstatic to have someone want them so much they didn't want to share with anyone else. The idea of not sharing is anathema to me though.
Let me tell you a secret story, oh world of strangers I have imagined in my head. A few years ago, I was in a relationship. It was one of those things that wasn't really going anywhere but I wasn't ready to give up on it just yet. Then something happened. An online friend of mine got into a really bad spot with his relationships. His wife had left him and he was really having trouble with it and with trusting other people, especially women. I watched him and I could see it going bad. And suddenly it was so easy to break off my relationship because this friend of mine needed me.And I knew that the lengths I would go to help this friend would make my then boyfriend uncomfortable.
So I stuck close to him for the next little while. I was there to talk with, to cuddle with, and later on to get involved with. We were...intimate for about three months and, honestly, it's my favourite relationship I have ever had. After that, he had to go back to his military job which means he would be out of touch for a while. Recently, he reappeared back online. Neither of us have tried to restart our relationship...we've pretty much gone back to being friends like it never happened. But it doesn't matter because I accomplished what I set out to do. I comforted him when he needed comforting and I stopped him from hating and losing faith in the female half of the human species. And, yeah, I miss what we had but I don't regret the fact that it didn't last. It was what we both needed at the time and it made us happy. It lasted as long as we needed it and not long enough for us to mess it up. I look back and I have only good memories. No messy breakups. No sadness.
I think that experience has changed me. I think before I thought pain was just part of the deal but now I know it doesn't have to be. We don't have to hold on so hard it hurts to let go. we can love without owning or jealousy and it can be awesome. And that's why I hate monogamy these days. It's not about the numbers. It's about the limitations. It's about the boxes.
I want to be able to care for people without worrying that caring for one will hurt the other. I want to be able to love in a million ways without someone telling me I'm doing it wrong. And everyone else's expectations are really just hurtful. They batter at me and make me scared to love.
But you're not listening...not really. I actually think no one's listening. That's alright though. One day someone as confused as me will find this. and they'll know they're not alone.
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